Loco after Four Loko
Four Loko, the caffeinated malt beverage affectionately called “blackout in a can,” has been in the news for hospitalizing a dozen college students and causing hundreds more to make very, very poor decisions.
The 23.5 oz can has about as much caffeine as a six-pack of Coke and about as much alcohol as a bottle of wine. The makers removed the caffeine and energy-boosting additives a few weeks ago pending a ban from the FDA.
That means Four Loko would likely not make it to these parts. So I was charged to investigate while visiting Illinois for Thanksgiving.
Friends have tried them, and although they said it resulted in craziness, they didn’t die. And my 23-year-old brother swore by them for a while. Safe, right?
On Saturday night, I had my first (and probably last) taste of the Loko, the lemonade flavor.
“$2.49 — that’s how you know it’s good.”
I made the mistake of smelling it before my first taste: Sour milk and lemonade jello. Coincidentally, this is the taste that lingered in my mouth the next morning.
The first few sips were rough. It tasted like a carbonated Country Time lemonade left in a warm place for a few months. My tongue adjusted and before I knew it, half a can was gone. I tried to pawn it off on someone but there were no takers. So I kept sipping.
And then it was gone. Worry set in. I had only planned to drink half — what was going to happen to me? The last time I had an energy drink — while reporting a story about caffeine addiction — I was in a caffeine-free stage and experienced heart palpitations and nausea.
I waited. Nothing. I felt buzzed, but it was more from the sugar, I think. I felt fine until I got ready for bed at 2 a.m.
Climbing upstairs at my mom’s house, I felt nauseous. Everything looked like it was moving up and down, like a busted TV. Then I felt sharp pains in my stomach I’ve only felt after extreme sugar overdoses. Then the alcohol hit my stomach. I might have thrown up, but I’m not sure. I do know I changed into PJs and brushed my teeth. The next thing I remember is waking up in the bed at 8 a.m.
I tasted that sour milk, lemon jello taste and gagged but kept everything down. My head hurt. My stomach hurt. Muscles ached, and it didn’t have anything to do with the 3 mile run the day before. Everything felt jittery, like I had been shocked or stirred from the inside. I wished for a hangover — that can be cured with greasy food and a lot of water.
I felt better after breakfast, lunch and a lot of water but the stomach pain stayed all day. I blame the sugar, which I’m already sensitive to. I’d built tolerance for caffeine thanks to the previous week’s legislative meetings and accompanying 24 oz coffees. I have no clue about the alcohol, since that probably hit me hardest after I went to bed.
The alcohol/caffeine combo is nothing new but Four Loko makes it more accessible and fruitier and mysterious and that’s what makes it dangerous. I can’t think of another reason to ever drink it again, except maybe to find out for sure if it makes me throw up.
Tags: alcohol, Four Loko, reviews
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